There are few things more frightening than a collegian or seminarian who has just recently become a Calvinist. I well remember sitting in Russ Moore’s class and hearing him refer to new Calvinists as being in the “cage stage.” He said something to the effect that neophyte Calvinists need to be locked in a cage for a couple of years and permitted to bounce off the walls until they are able to be released into normal society. I have also heard Mark Dever reference the “cage stage,” though I’m not sure who picked up the phrase from whom. I frequently use the phrase in class.
Anyway, I bumped into three of my students this weekend at a community event in Wake Forest. Two of them are Calvinists and one of them is a self-avowed Classical Arminian. They were regaling me with stories about another student who, according to them, is in the cage stage. They believe this brother means well, but they are convinced he cannot have a conversation without talking about supralapsarianism, particular atonement, and covenant theology. They often have to ask him to chill out and stand down–especially the Arminian! 
Then they told me about a couple of freshman who have recently embraced the doctrines of grace and are now devoting themselves to the full-time ministry of defending God’s prerogatives against all Arminians, Molinists, Amyrauldians, and Anabaptists. One of them was waxing eloquent the other day about how God created evil because he is sovereign. One of my Calvinist students pointed out that, in Genesis, God declares the finished creation to be very good. The verdict? Captain Cageman says that the Bible is wrong because the serpent was in the garden. Nice.
I have plenty of stories of my own. I have heard many students–I mean a lot of students–argue that there is no such thing as a “four-point Calvinist.” I have heard a person or two go so far as to argue that a four-point Calvinist (so-called, of course) is really an Arminian. Oh, and don’t get me started on what some of them say about real Arminians. Of course, even some Calvinists who are not in the cage stage have a hard time accurately representing Arminian theology. Even in their books. And blogs. And sermons. And conference talks. And teaching series. But I digress.
Back to my students this weekend. When one of my Calvinist students was bemoaning the terrors of his cage-worthy comrades, I suggested he start a blog. He could call it “Dispatches from the Cage Stage” and regale the blogosphere with the outrageous things new Calvinists say. His generic cage-stage Calvinist could be named John, because all the famous Calvinists are named John. But this John will be the representative John, an amalgamation of every student who has ever briefly become unbearable because of his newfound devotion to Reformational theology. The student was amused by my suggestion, but he didn’t bite. Alas.
For my part, I think the idea has legs. So I am suggesting it for whoever wants to pick it up, provided that you yourself are a Calvinist and are trying to be helpful rather than hurtful. It may even provide some post-cage-stage therapy for some intrepid Reformed blogger. I also suggest cage-stage franchise blogs that are devoted to students who embrace “contemporary” worship music for the first time, become convinced of the continuation of miraculous gifts for the first time, read N. T. Wright for the first time, or decide that they are cool enough to embrace one or more of the emerging movements.
Posted in Humor
